Dear Diary,

Today the whole day I kept on missing something, missing someone. The heart was longing to talk to someone, to share all those pathetic feelings that were coming in my mind but there was noone, no one today to listen.

Hey, Everyone here in this world to talk to, to share all his emotions. It can be someone's mom, dad, bro, sis,in-laws, friend, lover, husband,kids,or anyone....anyone who could understand, what is going on in his mind.

But why there's noone for me. Am I so bad that no-one is there to be with me. Dad, Mom,bro sis, friends,, hubby, or kids. To whom I should go and beg, to listen to me, my feelings, my thoughts,. I think I'm a devil who is unable to love anyone. That is why people, relations, friends, go away from me in the end. Am I someone abnormal, .....don't know how to carry a relation . I am a loser. 

Maybe I am too bad, maybe I am not able to handle some things but am I not human? Am I not having a heart who can love someone. Am I not allowed to be angry coz of the fear of losing someone, someone who is the the only person in my life who has loved me so much and whom I've given so much importance
Is it not genuine to have that kind pf thoughts. I say whatever is there in my mind, Never tried to be a hypocrite. Whatever is there in my mind, maybe bizarre or sensible, I always share why others who claim they love me a lot are unable to share with me. Why they are being diplomat? On one hand they say they love me and only me. Then also they try to look for love outside other than me. Why don't they accept that I'm just another person in their life. Not anyone SPECIAL.

From the beginning of my life when I started perceiving the world, I had wanted to be Special one for someone or the other.Wanted to get that special attention from mom n dad, who were unable to pay attention to the unwanted child, who was younger than their grandchildren.Brother sisters all were busy in their own lives, their kids. Nobody bothered to have a look at this lil girl who was feeling so lonely , so alone, who sits quietly in a aloof corner of the house every evening and write something,....something in her diary,...coz she had no one with whom she could share her thoughts, n fears. No one cared to read it. School days went and college brought with itself a feeling, a feeling of meeting someone special someday who will make me his SPECIAL ONE, but expectations and restrictions of the family made those days more of a cloudy ones, covering my feelings and emotions.

After graduation, mind was flowing in the thoughts of doing something big. Some big dreams were emerging, wanted to be a clinical psychologist, this was my dream, wanted to analyze and study the problems of the human mind, wanted to understand human personality. But none was there to support, to care to know my dreams.

Scattered dreams , broken heart, loneliness, along with these three things, I entered my Post- Graduation in Language n Literature.First year was still going, when I was engaged. Mostly the happiest moment of a girl's life. she feels happy to have someone in her life who is going to be her special one and only hers. but this feeling was missing in me, somewhere in my remote heart there ws a fear, fear of something unknown soon to come. The courtship period according to my friends were the best part of a girl's life but where was that glorious time in my life?. Never felt that special feeling, of being special to someone in y courtship period. We hardly met and so didn't get time to understand him n his family. 

Life after that is full of compromises, i stopped living the day I got married. The most happiest part of everyone's life, still i was feeling emptiness, something missing something still not found.

Don't know why but wanna write so much,....time is not helping me,...its running...but I am feeling too onely today....alone with my fears, with my loneliness,......going towards that black hole,....called life. But I have lived all my life during last 2 years,...had all that missing love,....from someone called Angel. And now he is going , maybe within few days he will be of some else's, someone who will be his SPECIAL ONE...........................................But I am going to miss him a lot........................................